Monday, February 20, 2017


It’s all about moving forward, and sometimes, (ironically) that includes moving backward.
The first time I cried from the loss of my father to the time I felt nauseated, sitting there, learning of a disability I had. I did not realize then what I know now, I was on a ladder jostling the rungs, or on a mountain trying to find my footing.
Do senseless, sad, upsetting things happen in our lives for various reasons so that we can learn from the experiences? Does tragedy and heartache really make people stronger? I’m not so certain.
But like with everything in life, there is a choice. Fall and stay there, or fall and get back up. 

Learn; hope; take steps.
Just like I chose to walk a certain path after learning about my injury.

The way that a young boy decided to push aside the pain and attempt to walk with the help of some devices.
That when faced with injury that took away words, my mom made a choice and battled with learning how to talk all over again at the age of fifty-nine.
The young girl who decided stigma was just a six letter word and that she would not be ashamed or scared of living a life with HIV. 
The way that guy born with no fingers or feet made it known that all he really needed was a heart.
Whether it is three steps forward and one step back, or eight steps forward a hop skip and a jump, or a turn sideways and fourteen steps ahead. Just like us, all steps to be taken are different. But one thing does remain the same, the best way to go about it, to deal with any issue, is one step at a time.

Find a friend and enlist some support.

Do it on your own.

One foot forward. 

No pressure.

Take the step.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

The Resoulution

When I take the time to sit and stare out my window of this cold January day, looking at the different ways in which the snow has landed either onto the ground or parts the cedar bushes that surround my house, my thoughts drift. I wonder why it is that during that one night of the year a few weeks ago, as the calendar changes, making a resolution seems to be a compulsion for so many. I wonder how many are turned into an accomplishment and how many become broken.

When I reflect upon the past days and months and what I have gotten done, whether it be work related or of a more personal nature, I conclude that most of my resolves were not made at the end of the year and start of a new one. Things come up, things need to get done. I plan and do as is necessary… I don’t look at the clock or set my schedule to fall on a certain date.

It has been quite some time since I have made a vow in respect to and before the midnight hour on the eve of when old things come to an end and new ones begin. It is not as though I think of these resolutions as a waste of time, and I still like to hear what others plan, but, I don’t know… I don’t quite understand. It almost seems like it is just a big set-up during a time when too much pressure is surrounding the moment.

But when twelve o’clock came and went this new year’s eve/day, saying goodbye to 2016 and hello to 2017, after spending a great night with my family laughing, dancing and singing, my mind came to a thought as it does now. When it comes to the New Year’s Resolution, maybe the key word is not “Resolution”, but instead it is “New”.

It is about starting another BEGINNING.

It is about rising to a CHALLENGE.

But most importantly, I think it is about HOPE.

We all need hope. So whether a resolution is kept, accomplished, or broken, it is about something new. It is about hope and moving forward.

And that… that’s not a bad compulsion.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

When is it Enough?

So what happens when you keep trying at something and end up getting nowhere? Do you just give up and walk away? Do you grit your teeth and deal with the agony? I wonder.

It’s not so much the working situation that befuddles me, it is all of the other emotional crap that confuses my mind; and the frustrating part is that I don’t want to just end it and turn my back. But when do we stop and say, “hey, I am worth more than this, I don’t need to put up with this shit!”

I think that we all want meaningful relationships in our lives, (family, friends, or more) but how far are we supposed to go to achieve these things? I guess it is all about how much we love ourselves, how much we are self aware. This question was asked of me recently, and I was kind of stumped; "how do we love ourselves?" As I tried to get through at attempting an answer, I wondered how much do I really know of my own self-worth? How much do any of us know?

Maybe it is all about confidence; not that exuberant and spirited kind of confidence, but that underlying quiet confidence. That thing inside that says instead, “yes, I am worth more than this and I will put up with it because I can handle it.” Maybe I am being the stronger one for knowing what I want and not turning away. 

It is all so confusing that I want to scream “what the hell?”

Enough being enough, for me anyway, seems to change quite often. From situation to situation, from person to person.  And maybe, that is okay. Maybe the questions to ourselves don’t always need solid, standardized answers. The answers change, they morph, they grow.


Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Testing the Waters

In this crazy thing called life that seems to quickly speed along, but also slow to a crawl at times, I often find myself wondering about the BIG moments. Where are they? What are they?

Are the big moments landing a hundred and fifty K a year job? Becoming a number one best-selling author? Finding a life-long partner in love?

I’ve been through a few jobs, I’ve written a few books, and I have been in a few relationships.

Maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way. Maybe they are just moments; moments to remember; moments to cherish. Like the friend in high school who stuck by my side despite others moving ahead. Despite my lack of…. Does it matter? Like the day I was able to walk out of the hospital after re-learning how to use my legs and muscles because my brain forgot what they were supposed to do.

As I take the time and really see things, I guess that moments have happened for me already; and are happening now; and will always be happening.

Not BIG, just moments. BIG isn’t for me anyway.

Jobs, writing, relationships …. Whatever, they just all happen at MY own kind of stride. The way that works for me. Because I lead with my heart, I can’t lead with my head, it just doesn’t work that way.

As I take the time and really see things, I realize that those moments, for me, come at a cautious pace. I do the things that make me feel comfortable; but no matter how many times I may have travelled a similar path, I am uncertain. And I have come to understand, that that is okay, because it is me.

I will forever be testing the waters for my moments; I just need to remember to take the time, not get caught up in the slow funk or the runaway train of life.

So whether it is a new job, a new story to tell, a new relationship; they are all just that….new. The past is the past. The present and future is new, different, unique.

I just need to breathe and tell myself:

Test the waters.

Find the moments.

Keep on going.